Correspondents: Two concurrent partners of mine
Date: A few years ago
As you are no doubt already aware, there are a lot of flavors of D/s. My favorite breakdown that I’ve encountered so far is from The Heart of Dominance by Anton Fulmen. I find that having categories and names for different facets of dominance helps people communicate about what kind of D/s relationship they enjoy, figure out mutual (in)compatibility, and generally steer into hotness and away from fizzled encounters.
Here’s Fulmen’s breakdown:
control
conquest
service
devaluation
nurture
objectification
The book is really the best resource to expand on each of these but I’ll do a quick job here. You can of course mix and match these!
Control: The dominant takes charge and makes decisions for the sub. It’s often less about the decisions themselves than it is the very fact of the dom being in charge. Example: dom requires sub to kneel when he snaps his fingers. The look / feel / experience of kneeling or seeing someone kneel may be hot, especially the first few times, but perhaps the transfer of power is actually the hottest thing about that. You can tell if it’s still hot when it’s... otherwise not hot? Like if it’s hot to tell someone else to, I don’t know, drive on one route vs. another, that’s D/s control.
Conquest: This one is also about control but it’s about a struggle for control. The dominant may enjoy having to conquer the sub before she gets to visit her terrible visions on them. The submissive may enjoy the feeling of being overpowered, as well as the abdication of responsibility for whatever happens after finally submitting.
Service: This is about the sub expending effort on the dom’s behalf that typically is not reciprocated. Could be domestic (doing the dishes), hospitality (serving tea), body service (massage), sexual service, probably lots of other forms. This kind of D/s feels to me like an assertion of status or importance or who gets to have more of their preferences honored. Some fantasies revolve around punishing / being punished for bad service.
Devaluation: The dom evokes a feeling in the sub of less-than or lowered while getting to feel superior themselves. There are at least two levels to it: humiliation, which is lighter — it’s goofy, it’s comedic, it’s blushing and feeling silly - and then there’s degradation, which is much more serious — it’s more like trying to push someone to tears, to deep catharsis, and can verge on cruelty or contempt.
Nurture: This is about the dominant being bigger than the sub by taking care of them, taking something like a parental role. It might look like support and encouragement, or accountability, or guidance. It might look like checking up on whether the sub is doing everything they’re supposed to do and then either praising or correcting/punishing.
Objectification: The dom treats the sub as an object rather than as a person — a footstool or serving platter, a sex toy, a means to an end rather than a character in the story. Often blends well with service and/or devaluation.
In case you were curious, here’s my personal profile:
Control: Yes! I like to be controlled. Short term only, in circumscribed ways, not full 24/7 control. I do not like being the controller, though I’m willing to do it as a means of instructing or exploring what I like. Being the controller feels like necessary overhead rather than something that turns me on more.
Conquest: I like to be conquered sometimes, but this is more like a spice than like the main ingredient I’m seeking. Getting overpowered feels good, I don’t want an extended battle and I definitely don’t want to win if I’m otherwise supposed to lose. I prefer that my conquerors overmatch me so thoroughly that there’s never any doubt. Sometimes I experiment with being the conqueror, and that’s appealing mainly because I’m so competitive, not because it’s inherently hot.
Service: I like serving a lot but it’s only erotic if the service itself is erotic. I don’t want to do anyone’s dishes as part of my sex life. I am happy to do someone else’s dishes if that truly solves a problem for them and I have the time, but that doesn’t feel like D/s to me, that feels like friendship. Being punished for bad service (or for any legitimate error of mine) is very hot to me, but I never want to aim for bad service in the first place, so this is a bit of a conundrum — how am I ever going to get spanked for falling short given how awesome I am? ;-)
Devaluation: Not into it at all, turned off by it, unless it’s purely for humor value. When I told [partner] my rule about “no semen in the eyes” and he used his supervillain voice to say, “Then don the cum goggles, slut!” it was hilarious, because it was not actually devaluing at all. I am 0% interested in devaluing anyone else.
Nurture: I don’t want this, it’s the opposite of erotic. The only exception is that if I have crashed hard after an encounter I do appreciate some tenderness then — being held and petted and having a blanket put on me and being offered water. I don’t like to dwell there though, and it’s definitely never going to wind me up. In the more general case, outside of bed, someone else trying to “guide” me usually makes me bristle — the right to give me guidance must be earned and it takes quite a lot to get that level of respect from me. Now that I occupy that headspace I can see where, if I could find someone who I truly thought could run my life better than I could, that would be a bit of a panty-dropper because who the fuck is that amazing? Nurturing someone else is not erotic either. It’s another facet of love but it’s not a sexy one.
Objectification: Not for me in either direction.1
I predict [partner A] does not want to respond with an essay about how he feels about each of these categories, though such an essay would be very welcome as always. I think my map of him is already somewhat sketched in though we haven’t explored all the nooks and crannies.
I think I speak for all of us when I say it’s always interesting and instructive to learn more about [partner B]!
This was true at the time but reality may have subtly shifted. I still want to retain my status as a human worthy of respect and consideration at all times, but having an (otherwise loving and caring) partner deliberately ignore my preferences and pursue only their own agenda for a while can be very hot. Do we file that under objectification? I’m not sure, I might need to reread the book.
I love learning more about your mind (and ways of seeing & experiencing the world!). thank you for sharing <3
I was in the middle of this book and stopped. May be time to revisit it